NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
