sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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