My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
