he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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