True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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