Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?