I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.