FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
