I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I got inside last night via doggy door
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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