i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
