Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
