I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Never joke about your clitoris.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
