How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
