I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just had sex bonerless
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
