i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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