I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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