Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
