this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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