I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
