This is not my ceiling
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
