In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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