It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
