I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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