Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
