I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
