I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
