my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
