He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize