I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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