i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
