Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
