i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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