I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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