My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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