im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
operation have a gay friend backfired
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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