??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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