did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
