i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
