The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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