How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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