see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
