You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
