i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
