Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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