Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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