Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
