Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
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All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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