dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
