get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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