Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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