She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize