me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
