He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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