hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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