If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
