whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
