I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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