Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
