Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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