You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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