That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
