I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
