so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
