I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
